Being still

Last night my four year old fell asleep in my lap. There was a lot going on around her. The TV was blaring. Her siblings were playing noisily all around her. But she grabbed a blanket, curled up in my lap and fell asleep.

I wasn't sure why this seemed profound to me. Even after we got all the kids in bed, I was still thinking about it. Finally I saw that it was something I wanted for myself: to feel so safe and peaceful and still in the midst of craziness.

In the past two weeks we have had Lige on a week-long business trip, an ugly reappearance of my post-partum anxiety, 2 trips to Omaha and back, and the death and funeral of Lige's Grandma. Also in that mix were all the regular, everyday, never-ending events of life: preschool, school, tantrums, lack of sleep, etc., etc. By seven o'clock in the evening, I am ready for QUIET. But even more than that, I'm ready to be still in my heart.


Lige said, "It always feels better to be wanted than to be needed." My daughter just wanted to be near me. Lige also brought up that when my daughter needs me (to help put shoes on, to get paper to color, to get more milk) it's easier for me to say "just a minute" or "not right now." I was humbled then by my husband and my God. I am a selfish, sinful mommy. I get overwhelmed, I lose perspective, and I get tired. But I am learning. God uses my children to teach me about Him. I was comforted in knowing that even though I feel crazy to myself, my daughter still finds me safe and calming. She can still find rest in my arms. Just as my daughter was able to be still in my lap, my Heavenly Father reminds me that I can be still in Him. I can confess my selfishness and hand my weary, burdened heart to Him. In exchange He gives me a peace that passes understanding. And it is then that I can be still and know that He is God.